There are so many documents involved with buying a house. I have sent documents of my banking accounts, mortgage applications, password protections, wire transfers and so on. And I’m in the middle of writing a letter to my leasing company essentially begging to be let out of my lease. I know they can re-rent the place for 500 bucks more a month so I am hopeful they aren’t jerks. I am so overwhelmed by the paperwork and trying to read everything and stay on top. I am so out of my depth with financial information and knowing how and what to do. I hope I can find some peace even as I look around and fret about packing. I should begin now but keep talking myself out of it or taking a nap. Naps are good.
When I saw you last week with your new gal you seemed very nervous. Why? You could barely look at me and ‘hug hug’ was an odd greeting for someone you professed love for just a short while ago. Were you worried I would make a scene-as you so nicely put it ‘my head would pop off’? Ah how little you know me. I was pleasant and chatted with new girl and I was calm and collected and a lady. Oh and she was very ordinary. And loud. I remember you signaling me when my voice would get a bit loud and I always appreciated that. Now you are with a loud talker. How ironic. What do your friends think of her? Oops you don’t have friends to introduce her to, do you? What does your family think of her? Your brothers? Have they met her yet? Can she drop things and come visit your family on the long road trips? Or are you alone with the bird? Mmmm seems like you are alone a lot now. How is that going?
I was comfortable meeting her and seeing you with her. You were in a sweat. I’m still bewildered as to why you won’t meet with me and hash out the remaining details and possessions and come to closure. What are you afraid I’ll do? Be rational and ask you why? Why have you turned into a stranger? Have you broken your rules for this gal? Turned your back on what you believe and hold true? I hope she noticed how you treated me-she will be treated like that as well. Maybe not right away but she is not long term and you know it. You are merely an option for her. I made you my priority. But no longer. I am making myself a priority and guess what? I am even more amazing than before.
I called you this morning and to my surprise you answered the phone. We chatted about a few things and you told me about a project in the garage and I wondered if that meant you are spending a lot of time alone and worried about you. But then you told me that you were doing your best to “fall out of love with me” and that you have no interest in trying to make our relationship work. Please don’t fall out of love with me- what we had was real and true and genuine. Then you went on to say that things hadn’t been working before you meet your new sparkly partner.
REALLY? When did it start to go wrong? In April when we went dancing? All dressed up and swirling around the VFW-you in bow tie and me in a dressy dress? When I pulling weeds in the front lawn and coaxing the clematis to climb up the light post? In May when we drove up to see your parents and I brought flowers from your parents house and did your mom’s nails in the nursing home? When we had dinner and then went to see a movie because it was raining in Burlington? Oh and whose car did we take to Vermont? Whose car did we always take to Vermont? And I loved those trips…….chatting amiably for hours about this or that or playing word games and reading bumper stickers? When we went to Ikea? And goofed around in the little rooms and you stood in awe of the light that opened like a death star? Giggling and laughing with our arms around each other? Or was it later in May when I was waiting for you to return from Florida after seeing your LDR gal? When we spent the day driving around and stopping to see the goats and pigs and eat ice cream? I remember a lot of laughing and kissing and hand holding and having a good time. Exploring the new coffee shop? Or the next week when I took off from work, rescheduled important meetings and cancelled my Saturday plans so I could take you for the outpatient procedure? When I helped you pee in the urinal? Helped you get dressed? Drove to get your prescription? Tucked you in so you could rest? Made food for you? Reminded you to take the medication? So when, my love, did you begin to think things weren’t working out?
You certainly looked happy and I know I was. So don’t try and change the topic. Why don’t you want me in your life? I mean what is the real reason? Who are you fooling?
Friday July 13th and about a month since my life was turned upside down and I was dumped by my boyfriend of three years. I wish I could report that I have bounced back and am cheerful and moving on but that would be a lie. Today was not a good day and the depression and sadness won. I did manage to get out and visit a friend and pick up a few things at the grocery store but that is about it.
I’m still stuck in denial and bewildered and concerned that he has been abducted by aliens or hit on the head and is in a coma. Not really. But those thoughts hurt less than believing he has replaced me with another gal in a short month and now won’t even return a text or talk to me on the phone. Who is this person? The same man that told me he loved me and cared about me is now a cruel and frosty stranger. And there is no peace in my soul.
Is this a break or a break up? Please talk to me and let’s discuss our feelings about each other and the possibility of moving forward. You asked for space- like I had asked for time; only I am giving you the space. Are you pushing me out or making a space for me? Please talk to me. Three years of being together means something to me. How about you?
Today is the longest day of the year and for me that means another day to miss your smile and your warmth and the arms that used to hold me so tight. We spoke this morning and once beyond the pleasantries you stood firm in your desire to to not see me or talk to me or even think about me. That you were sad but you had made up your mind.
That despite me loving you and you loving me you no longer wanted me in your life. Yet, even hearing your words I cling desperately to the hope that you will awaken and realize that you are not quite so sure, that maybe we can still find a way to be together. So I obsess on the fear you have of seeing me and decide that doubt exists somewhere in you and so you want me to stay away. Please my love, let me in. Let me be a part of your life again, a good part, a real part. The quiet, simple moments we built over these three years were real and true and good. Please don’t throw it away. Please remember all the things we were to each other-we are still those things. Nothing has changed I still love you very very much.
I sent out a distress call and got a busy signal. A do not call or text me until I contact you. I know what this means. It means my relationship is over and he has chosen to go in another direction. It means my gamble this morning in trying to let him understanding how hurting I was backfired and he is running away. I knew it was a risk but I felt so terrible, so in pain I felt I had to let him know. And somewhat predictably between when I called and when he responded saying not to call or text him about an hour elapsed. An hour that he probably called his brothers and was told by them to dump me and move on. So now I wait for the inevitable. The good bye. The “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how to make you happy so I’ll just leave’. All I wanted was to have you and her and be happy. Why couldn’t you adjust to the new situation? It is all your fault. You are the reason we are breaking up. Three weeks before our trip to Iceland. Oh yeah just leave me with that mess too. Deja vu.
Never mind that I took off from work, rearranged my weekend plans so I could be there for you and take you to the surgical center and sign you out and take you home and take care of you. Nope, once you were up and feeling better you picked up your plans and continued as if nothing has happened. And I had the gall to say ‘Excuse me poor taste to recover here and then speed home to keep the rest of your weekend plans.” Just throw it back in my face and make me feel like I was the one in the wrong. It was perception. Which added to the birthday debacle and the non-observance of our three year anniversary that yes made me feel like I was not important. Second class, pushed out. That you can’t even see it is probably the worst part.
So I wait and my gut twists and my head pounds and I feel the dread of the losing the best thing that has happened to me is so long. Not because I was greedy…..in the end because you were greedy. And you wanted more more more. And exactly how was the new situation going to help and nurture our relationship? Seems a bit of bait and switch to me. You were happy she was happy, I was struggling. And now I am the biggest loser. Are you happy now?
So good news….I’ve lost 25 pounds of the most unhappiest weight in my life. Spurred on by a near constant twisting in my gut, nausea and lump of stone in my belly I am trimmer and fitter. I have also been walking almost every day, cutting calories and am using this bout of depression and anxiety to change old habits. I guess this is what is meant by unintended benefit. Not the greatest diet but it seems to be working. I’m so fat that no one has noticed but I feel better and can tie my shoes again. Even shimmied into a smaller size of jeans this morning. My goal is to be back in Size 14 for shopping for a dress to wear to my friend’s son’s wedding and my high school reunion. If I stay depressed and sad I might just make i t.
Two months in and while I’m still alive and still in love when will the pain and hurt end? When will I stop feeling sick and anxious? When does it get good again? Will it ever be good for me again? Of do I have to leave the best thing that happened to me in such a long long time? Should I stay or should I go? I’m lying to myself or to him or to both of us…………
I got up early and hit the bricks…..or concrete as it were; walking around the streets of my boyfriend’s parents hometown. It is perfect for walking as the streets are pleasantly Vermont and the traffic is sparse and it is quiet. that is part of the appeal of walking for my main form of exercise. I don’t wear headphones or listen to music preferring instead to listen to the various bird song, the chatter of squirrels running around and the sound of the wind in the leaves. Today was not much fun as it was misty when I began walking and then the rain got heavier so that by the end of my 45 minutes I was in a pretty good rain. It was then that the metaphor of walking in the rain and relationships came into my head.
Walking in the rain is a lot like a relationship. It may start out sunny or just a bit misty but sometimes you get caught suddenly in a deluge and your instinct is to stop walking. But if you are already at a steady pace another instinct is to keep walking and accept the rain as part of the journey. The key to walking in the rain is to keep your head down and only look at the next few feet of pavement. You are looking for dips and lips and anything that might trip you up. Then you briefly scan up ahead for a more long term view but then it is back to one foot in front of the other. That also keeps your raincoat hood covering your face much better. Years of Girl Scouting taught me that there is no bad weather just poor clothing choices and my waterproof raincoat was doing the job but my sweatpants were not. Neither were my sneakers. Another thing about walking in the rain is puddles. Some puddles are so big you have to go around them, some are huge and you have to pick the best path through them and some puddles you can just jump over. Relationships have puddles- some are big, some are huge and some you can just skip over. The trick is knowing how far you can jump and sizing up the puddle beforehand. Sometime the puddles are hard to see and sometimes the puddles are deeper and wider than expected. Those puddles can swallow your shoe and leave you wet for the remainder of your walk. And that is uncomfortable. Oh, and another thing if you have a pebble in your shoe-shake it out before you start your walk, start fresh without old pebbles of previous walks or in this metaphor previous relationships. Not very easy. Sometimes I feel like my shoes have shattered glass in them and I don’t know it until I start walking. It is hard to shake our your shoes once you are moving. It breaks your rhythm and throws off your pace. Often it makes your feet bleed and you can’t go on. I’m still shaking out my shoes from a lifetime of defeated attitude and loser mentality. Learning to walk with confidence and conviction that I’m on the right path is so damn hard. My pace may be slow but I’m going to keep moving. Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride.
Cheese&Apple 