Amazing Corn Maze Time

2015Hayride at Butlers 10 30 2015


Yes, that is me beaming with happiness at a corn maze-an autumn tradition in the making.  We spent the day looking at houses for him {not any further away is my fervent hope} and then on to the corn maze at Summers Farm in Frederick, MD.  

We are like little kids when we arrive bursting with excitement to do everything before it gets too dark and then to find a good spot to see the fireworks.   We slid down the slides with such wild abandon that another woman who had watched her grandchildren slide several times finally climbed up and took a turn!  We get old because we stop playing not the other way around!  

We are both hopeless at the maze since the clues are related to the design-last year Taylor Swift trivia-fail and this year Baltimore Orioles trivia.  I am probably the only gal there with a guy that has no interest in sports.  I knew more answers!  Of course there are cheat sheet answers but the font is too tiny for us to read…….okay GPS was used to get out but only because the fireworks were going to start!

I love watching fireworks and leaning back into MH for cuddles; together with the full moon; I felt a bit of contentment that had been so elusive these last few weeks.

Breathe and just be in the moment.  I did try and then a random thought popped into my monkey brain head-instead of a funeral I want fireworks. I wonder if I can have my ashes launched and burst into an array of shooting stars and starbursts? Mmmmm!!!!fireworks-clip-art-2   

Tired Old Cow

cow1I am working in the far reaches of the pasture.  Turned out like an old cow. Or so it feels.  My work life is not good this year and my dissatisfaction is spilling over into the other areas of my life that are also kinda crappy right now.  

Overwhelmed is my new normal.  The slightly queasy feeling of insecurity and doubt seems to be permanently setting up housekeeping in my gut.   And the stone of dread keeps rising up in my throat.  I have no control over my emotions and feel like I have been flayed open.  And salt keeps being poured onto me.  No glimmer of hope ahead.  This will be a very long year.


Long Day Avoiding Thinking

Today has been a long day spent avoiding thinking about any of the multitude of issues pressing in on me.  To whit I have: 

  1.  Slept as late as possible

  2.  Done a load of wash

  3.  Changed the sheets on my bed

  4.  Watched several back to back movies on the Hallmark Channel

  5.  Read a stupid chick-lit book cover to cover

  6.  Ate two dozen chocolate chip cookies

  7.  Drank one humongous mug of tea

  8.  Talked to my girlfriend for nearly an hour

  9.  Watched reruns of House Hunters and Beachfront Bargains on HGTV

  10.  Talked to T the Canadian for a half hour

  11.   Pinned a dozen ideas on Pinterest

  12.   Took a nap on the couch

  13.   Skipped dinner in favor of a few more chocolate chip cookies

  14.   Emptied trash

  15.   Folded sheets

  16.   Folded towels

  17.   Make it to 1 am not thinking 

It is Sunday and so I think I am almost through the worst of the not thinking.45627_original


I have been struggling for several weeks with a number of issues; insecurity in my primary relationship, a growing dissatisfaction with my job, continued estrangement from my son, the loss of my dog/companion/confidante, ongoing financial woes and a variety of physical complaints.  The physical complaints are most likely stemming from the other issues and are a symptom of my distress.  When things go bad; my body cashes in its chips and folds.  So on top of the emotional and psychological toll I have a host of somatic ailments.  Nausea and headaches have been the most prominent  with fatigue, aches, cramping and chills rounding out the picture.  Yes, I am a lovely mess.  And thoroughly unlovable when I am in such a state of agitation.  Restless and rootless; I wander around in a haze of unhappiness with a stone of dread lodged in my stomach. 


And I am no rookie to these feelings.  I have felt all of the above for long periods of my life and know all the signs and all the remedies.  I am usually a good practitioner of self-care, reaching out to friends and family, treating myself to manicures and lattes and lazing on the couch with mindless chick-lit and mood music. But nothing is working this time.  I am incredibly sad, anxious and agitated. 
Especially since this time the primary issue I am really struggling with is too self-revealing to own so,  I have no one to turn to, no one that understands and most of all no one that cares.  I am sabotaging my relationship with my boyfriend  because of what he feels is important to him and I can’t seem to get to the warm fuzzy place of acceptance.  I’m a bad person because of it and feel like an outcast.  And I have no peace.  No real options, no real plan.   Struggling.


Who Am I

I’ve been reflecting a bit on who I am at this point in my life.  

I have always wanted to live in another country for an extended period of time, in a cottage on the Irish Sea, an apartment in Paris, a bedsit in London or a sun-drenched villa in Greece. Alas I do not have the pocket book for such fantasies or the time. I do not travel for work and so must limit my dreams. I have been to Berlin, spent time traveling down the Romantische Strasse, been to Munich and Koln and Strasbourg. I’ve been to Paris and enjoyed the museums and food and climbed the Eiffel Tower. I have been to Scotland, Ireland and England and seen the Edinburgh Tattoo and had tea at Harrods’ with my mom. I’ve been to Italy and climbed to the roof of the Milan Duormo and saw the Sistine Chapel and had an audience with the last Pope. I’ve seen Pompeii and Rome and Milan. On this side of the pond I’ve see Niagara Falls in all four seasons (liked winter the best) been to San Antonio, LA and Chicago. Went to college in Cleveland but don’t remember much! Up and down the east coast and spent two weeks at a language school in Mexico. My travel style is not adventurous-I see no need to jump out of a perfectly good plane. While I  have snorkeled in Cozumel I am a poor swimmer and a bit claustrophobic so SCUBA holds no appeal. I’m the daughter of a navy guy but my boat knowledge is limited to what I have read, a couple of cruises and canoeing at Girl Scout camp.  

But I love water to walk along, to collect shells and dig my toes in the sand. I also like lakes and rivers and the quiet of a mountain lake at dawn. When I travel I do not worry about what to see but enjoy what I see. I like to hit the cathedrals and museums and eat local. I love bookstores and little shops to poke in and explore. I abhor theme parks and time driven manic travel. I’d rather take the road less taken and enjoy the journey.

I describe myself as a social introvert. I am often the life of the party and can hold court with confidence, wit and charm. But I renew my batteries spending time alone, reading, journaling, appreciating poetry, nature and the quiet of a summer morning or moonlit evening. My beloved dog, Tiger, passed away in July and I miss our walks and especially our talks. 

I am generally an upbeat, positive person but I battle the black dog of depression daily.  I wrestle with the demons left from an unhappy adolescence and a long term marriage that withered my self-confidence and ability to trust.  I feel I am in recovery…….still.  Six years later.

Summer’s End

Yesterday I returned to work after a less than wonderful summer.  I feel frayed and anxious and the transition to work is harder and harder as I pass the thirty year mark and continue to slog on. The losses of the preschool special education class, my darling dog Tiger, and the continuing dramas that are my life, are overwhelming. I’ve come so far but I’m weary. No rest for the wicked!

In an attempt to cheer me up my boyfriend, HAS pulled out the stops and completely gobsmacked me by sending flowers to my base school yesterday.  He scored a home run.  The note was mushy (and read by all my co-workers) and his PDA-public demonstration of affection-was purposeful and totally unexpected.  He has also tracked down the addresses of my other schools and sent cards to me that are waiting as I pop into the four locations.  I feel cradled by his love and it is helping. Now I’m off to swim at a friend’s pool and float around thinking about nothing. Oh and there will be wine……..lots of whine!