So it is official. I am bankrupt. I finally received the final order in the mail today along with the garnishment notice for my employer. Nice. How that is going to work with my seasonal paycheck I’ve no idea but then I’m sure I am not the first employee to be garnished.
Not exactly the kind of garnish I’d like but I’m trying to keep myself from sinking. I guess Monday I’ll call my attorney again and ask how the garnishment works with my kind of pay structure and then point out the 19 cent difference between the court order and the garnishment order. My luck that will cause all sorts of problems or require me to send $0.19 to the bankruptcy trustee every month. Nothing ever goes smoothly for me.
On a related note, or rather related to the title of today’s post I’m feeling lost and sad. The last few weeks I’ve been spending a lot of time with my new beau and this weekend will be the first since late May that I’m not either with him or on vacation. And I feel very insecure. My feelings for him continue to grow and I’m terrified.
He calls me his girlfriend and to be honest saying the word boyfriend feels odd to me. I am realizing that I never really had a boyfriend before in my life. My Hex and I went from ‘going out’ to engaged so that I never really spent much time in the girlfriend status. Since the divorce I have not had any relationship that could even begin to be called boyfriend/girlfriend. I talked a lot about my IBF (Imaginary Boyfriend) who was and is still one of my closest guy friends. But boyfriend? What is that? And why do I feel so insecure, so tentative? I feel that at any minute he could disappear in a poof of smoke and I’d be left wondering what was that just happened? Is this all a dream? Do I really doubt my self-worth so much that I can’t wrap my head around the thought of someone wanting to spend time with me? That I’m not worthy of good things and good times and good people? The ghost of my marriage and the 40+years with my Hex seems to permeate my being even as I try to reject the negative thoughts. And suddenly I am feeling very lonely again.
School has been over for roughly a month and I have spent quite a bit of it shuttling between doctors and lab work appointments all in an effort to keep this nearly 55 year old model running. Physically I feel strong but have a chest cold that has deepened my voice and keeps me from doing too much. It is residual from a wild week in New Hampshire helping my friend celebrate his son’s wedding, visiting my mom and her mom and driving up and down the east coast. Good friends, good times and the wonderful feeling of being included into another family seamlessly and with enthusiasm. I am much blessed.
The vacation was marred only by a return to court the day after we returned; for yet more squabbling about my bankruptcy. How ironic that in the end the issue was my veterinarian bills for Tiger, the dog that my Hex used to have an unnatural fondness for and yet abandoned in the divorce. Finally the lawyers were able to simply split the difference and I was granted confirmation. In my mind I am done. He can’t come after me anymore and he did not get what he wanted. Most of all I am still standing. Living well is truly the best revenge.
And most happily of all I am still in bliss with my new man. MH was attentive and sweet during my vacation and he is headed here tomorrow for the weekend. Our pets are co-existing and our relationship continues to deepen. I am becoming less anxious and more comfortable with the possibility that I deserve this sweet, generous, funny, sexy man.
So as the saying goes I met someone when I wasn’t looking to or expecting to and was instead just minding my own business living my life and then ‘BAM’. There he was. Smiling at me like he had known me forever. Settling into the chair next to mine like it had always been that way. Safe, comfortable, exciting and new and familiar all at the same time. MH and I have been together or in communication nearly every day since we met and while we learn more and more about each other we are finding more things in common, more things to like and the feelings keep growing.
Not to say it is all puppies and rainbows. No one reaches our ages without some baggage and some ghosts; echoes of tapes that play in our heads and the censure of our upbringings. We are committed to honesty and have learned that mind reading is a myth and the best way to get what you need is to ask for it. Which is were I need to improve. I have been shot down so many times before that asking for and getting what I need is still both exhilarating and frightening. Unfamiliar ground indeed. As is being happy. And adored. And appreciated. And accepted.
Stay tuned this story may just have a happy ending after all.
My father has been dead for nearly twenty years. Twenty years!!!! What an impossible amount of time that is. It is longer than I lived at home with him. I left for college at 18 and returned only for a few months in the summer and the couple of months between graduate school and getting married. Twenty years is a long time. But there are days and moments when it feels like yesterday…… the pain of missing him never really goes away. He is frozen in my memory in good times not sick-those last few weeks were a blur and while I am forever grateful for those weeks I don’t dwell on that time.
Instead it the memories of seeing his muppet face light up when he saw ‘his girls’ or the serious talk he had with us about not being as strong as he purported…….and the three of us gently laughing……we had known he was a softie all along. Or the look on his face when he opened the gift that held a brass key ring “Grandpa’s Keys” and it dawned on him what that meant. The grin and twinkle in his eye when he was up to mischievous deeds. The raised cup of wine lifted to honor my mother, ‘his lady’ at the dinner table. The generous, quiet man that did so many little things. The dignity he gave a neighbor man who had no car always calling him Mr. MacKenzie as he drove up the steep hill and talked about the news or sports. The way he hugged me and made the world go away and made me feel so safe. There is nothing in the world like a good daddy hug.
Happy Father’s Day in Heaven, Daddy…….
On Father’s Day I also miss the father of my two children. My heart shreds with the pain of how dysfunctional he has become. He as a good father for 22 years…….and then, and then the divorce and he lost sight of what was important. Our children. He has let his anger and hurt turn into vindictiveness and hostility and poison. He has placed his needs above his children and they are suffering because of it. Our son is crippled by it and our daughter is burdened by it. And there is no peace.