Another 5K, Another Step Forward

I have now done enough 5K events to not remember how many I have done.  That to me is the point of when practice becomes comfortable and familiar. While the newness of the achievement may have worn off a little; my utter amazement and determination continues to grow as I cross each finish line.  During the event it isn’t pretty-I am not a runner and my short bursts of increased pace are not graceful or very fast but I am dogged determined to keep moving.  My mantra is “Run your own race”.  Which is especially important as the faster runners begin to lap me and cruise into the finish line as I begin the second lap.  And I am not alone.  Each one of the women in this event are running their own race.  No one else can cross the finish line in your shoes.  Each of us has our own set of worries and problems and I am wise enough to know I wouldn’t trade my pack of troubles for anyone else’s. 
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I am grateful to be up on a Saturday morning.  Grateful that my body is strong enough to walk 5K, that my spirit is willing and that I am supported by loving friends. We are The Three Musketeers;  an unlikely bunch but we are united in seeking the best for each other.20150808_074728_resized
My other thought is how far I have come.  I look at the picture of me from the same race two years ago and I have lost weight, gotten stronger and feel better.  Ironically I stubbed my toe again the night before the race and while I didn’t break the toenail I needed extra bandages and care. I have got to learn to stop sabotaging myself!!
But the biggest difference this year at is that I dragged a boyfriend, my boyfriend to the race. He actually came very willingly, held our gear and took pictures albeit very silly pictures! The support he has given me over the last several months has had a huge impact on my life. I am so grateful to be in an emotionally ready place to be open to good things happening to me no longer wondering if I was deserving.  I deserve good things and I’m worth it. Thanks Henry!

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Friday Blues

So it is official.  I am bankrupt.  I finally received the final order in the mail today along with the garnishment notice for my employer. Nice.  How that is going to work with my seasonal paycheck I’ve no idea but then I’m sure I am not the first employee to be garnished.  
maxresdefaultNot exactly the kind of garnish I’d like but I’m trying to keep myself from sinking.  I guess Monday I’ll call my attorney again and ask how the garnishment works with my kind of pay structure and then point out the 19 cent difference between the court order and the garnishment order.  My luck that will cause all sorts of problems or require me to send $0.19 to the bankruptcy trustee every month.  Nothing ever goes smoothly for me.
On a related note, or rather related to the title of today’s post I’m feeling lost and sad.  The last few weeks I’ve been spending a lot of time with my new beau and this weekend will be the first since late May that I’m not either with him or on vacation.  And I feel very insecure. My feelings for him continue to grow and I’m terrified.  
He calls me his girlfriend and to be honest saying the word boyfriend feels odd to me.  I am realizing that I never really had a boyfriend before in my life.  My Hex and I went from ‘going out’ to engaged so that I never really spent much time in the girlfriend status.  Since the divorce I have not had any relationship that could even begin to be called boyfriend/girlfriend.  I talked a lot about my IBF (Imaginary Boyfriend) who was and is still one of my closest guy friends. But boyfriend?  What is that?  And why do I feel so insecure, so tentative?  I feel that at any minute he could disappear in a poof of smoke and I’d be left wondering what was that just happened?  Is this all a dream? Do I really doubt my self-worth so much that I can’t wrap my head around the thought of someone wanting to spend time with me? That I’m not worthy of good things and good times and good people?  The ghost of my marriage and the 40+years with my Hex seems to permeate my being even as I try to reject the negative thoughts.  And suddenly I am feeling very lonely again.  

Bankrupt and Blissing

School has been over for roughly a month and I have spent quite a bit of it shuttling between doctors and lab work appointments all in an effort to keep this nearly 55 year old model running.  Physically I feel strong but have a chest cold that has deepened my voice and keeps me from doing too much.  It is residual from a wild week in New Hampshire helping my friend celebrate his son’s wedding, visiting my mom and her mom and driving up and down the east coast.  Good friends, good times and the wonderful feeling of being included into another family seamlessly and with enthusiasm.  I am much blessed.

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The vacation was marred only by a return to court the day after we returned;  for yet more squabbling about my bankruptcy.  How ironic that in the end the issue was my veterinarian bills for Tiger, the dog that my Hex used to have an unnatural fondness for and yet abandoned in the divorce. Finally the lawyers were able to simply split the difference and I was granted confirmation.  In my mind I am done.  He can’t come after me anymore and he did not get what he wanted.  Most of all I am still standing.  Living well is truly the best revenge.
And most happily of all I am still in bliss with my new man.  MH was attentive and sweet during my vacation and he is headed here tomorrow for the weekend.  Our pets are co-existing and our relationship continues to deepen.  I am becoming less anxious and more comfortable with the possibility that I deserve this sweet, generous, funny, sexy man.

Tiny Little Baby Steps

935150_746158032062464_1360886349_nSo as the saying goes I met someone when I wasn’t looking to or expecting to and was instead just minding my own business living my life and then ‘BAM’.  There he was.  Smiling at me like he had known me forever.  Settling into the chair next to mine like it had always been that way.  Safe, comfortable, exciting and new and familiar all at the same time.  MH and I have been together or in communication nearly every day since we met and while we learn more and more about each other we are finding more things in common, more things to like and the feelings keep growing.
Not to say it is all puppies and rainbows.  No one reaches our ages without some baggage and some ghosts; echoes of tapes that play in our heads and the censure of our upbringings.  We are committed to honesty and have learned that mind reading is a myth and the best way to get what you need is to ask for it. Which is were I need to improve.  I have been shot down so many times before that asking for and getting what I need is still both exhilarating and frightening. Unfamiliar ground indeed.  As is being happy.  And adored.  And appreciated. And accepted.  
Stay tuned this story may just have a happy ending after all.

Father’s Day Feelings

My father has been dead for nearly twenty years.  Twenty years!!!!  What an impossible amount of time that is.  It is longer than I lived at home with him.  I left for college at 18 and returned only for a few months in the summer and the couple of months between graduate school and getting married.  Twenty years is a long time. But there are days and moments when it feels like yesterday…… the pain of missing him never really goes away. He is frozen in my memory in good times not sick-those last few weeks were a blur and while I am forever grateful for those weeks I don’t dwell on that time.  

Instead it the memories of seeing his muppet face light up when he saw ‘his girls’ or the serious talk he had with us about not being as strong as he purported…….and the three of us gently laughing……we had known he was a softie all along.  Or the look on his face when he opened the gift that held a brass key ring “Grandpa’s Keys” and it dawned on him what that meant.  The grin and twinkle in his eye when he was up to mischievous deeds.  The raised cup of wine lifted to honor my mother, ‘his lady’ at the dinner table.  The generous, quiet man that did so many little things.  The dignity he gave a neighbor man who had no car always calling him Mr. MacKenzie as he drove up the steep hill and talked about the news or sports.  The way he hugged me and made the world go away and made me feel so safe. There is nothing in the world like a good daddy hug.

Happy Father’s Day in Heaven, Daddy…….

On Father’s Day I also miss the father of my two children.  My heart shreds with the pain of how dysfunctional he has become. He as a good father for 22 years…….and then, and then the divorce and he lost sight of what was important.  Our children.  He has let his anger and hurt turn into vindictiveness and hostility and poison.  He has placed his needs above his children and they are suffering because of it.  Our son is crippled by it and our daughter is burdened by it.  And there is no peace.

Working on the Bucket List

Last night was a huge thrill for me and another moment of clarity.  I have wanted to meet Richard Thompson, guitar legend, singer/songwriter for quite some time.  I was first introduced to his music by a friend in the UK-so long ago that I received a mix tape with several of RT’s songs as well as some Clash and other bands.  I became intrigued,  joined a list-serv and began attending concerts.  I have dragged nearly everyone I know with me; my Hex, my daughter, my son in law even my mom!  And in recent years various friends and have also sold a ticket or two when I couldn’t find anyone to accompany me.  When I saw that he was playing at the Birchmere in Alexandria last night and again tonight I decided I would go as an end of school year treat for myself.  The moment of clarity came when I realized I should just buy one ticket and save myself the hassle of finding someone to drag along.  And while having that moment of clarity I saw that a VIP Meet and Greet Package was available……..and in a few clicks I had my end of year treat in my shopping cart. 
20150616_215205_resized Richard Thompson Meet and Greet 019 20150616_191640_resized_1 The traffic to the venue was horrific and my nerves were shot by the time I arrived.  I’ve been to the Birchmere just enough times to know the routine and not let it rattle me completely. The concert was amazing…..new stuff, the familiar songs and some of the fabulous older material that got roars from the crowd in recognition.  Blazing hot guitar solos, drum solos and bass let everyone know the Electric Trio was in the house.
Afterwards with my VIP badge pinned to my shirt I was led to a small room and in came OH (our hero) still sweaty from the stage but sporting a ball cap instead of his signature beret.  Asking how to spell my name and making chit-chat with the other VIPs……….and then suddenly it was RT and me exchanging pleasantries and my asking him about his vocal health routine and stuttering and his question about my work with  young children with communication disorders and multiple severe handicaps. When I realized I was the only one left I gathered my swag and we left the little room and I glided back to my car several feet off the ground. My summer is off to an amazing start……….

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Deserving and Worthy

Over the last few years I have wrestled with the concept of being deserving and worthy of having good things in my life.  Questioning whether I would ever have someone love me and me to love someone hinged a lot of the notion that I was a horrible, unloveable person.  Time and therapy have helped me realize that many of those ‘tapes’ were planted by my insecure, needy, abandonment-fearing Hex who thoroughly convinced me that I was totally unloveable and he, and only he, could rescue me and somehow find in himself to love me. 

That I was essentially unloveable was also intricately interwoven with negative body issues so that I ended up overweight, unhealthy and unhappy.  I was to be eternally grateful that my amazing Hex (heavy sarcasm) could see through all those hideous faults and love (aka rescue) me.  and that I should be so damn grateful because if not him then no one.  Cat lady eating dinner alone in a restaurant with a book.  He needed me to stay overweight, unhealthy and unhappy because with those heavy blinders on I couldn’t see the outside world or his faults.  I was to simply strap on the feed bag, keep my head down and keep eating my feelings.  And I believed it.  When I finally  came to the realization that being fat was protection I still couldn’t just end my 50 year love affair with food and eating versus feeling.  But  suddenly I knew better why.  This adipose shell blocked me from acknowledging my sexuality, my craving for adoration from men, my polyamorous inclinations. Afterall what could be more invisible that a fat, white, middle-aged woman?????  And I always had my express exit card-ah I’m not liked because I’m fat.  It is has nothing to do with me or my personality or my crazy beliefs-I am rejected for my appearance.  BAM!  easy, plain and simple you reject me-you are shallow and lookist and all that. 

But one day a crack of sunshine broke through and warmed my face, and then another and another and I began to question the religion I had held to be true……….perhaps I was loveable.  Maybe worthy of good things, perhaps I wasn’t a horrid person because I saw life differently. Had different truths. Knew different paths.

Maybe instead I needed to throw out the ‘tapes’ and start listening to my own music. And dance to my music. and find others that can hear my music, or at least acknowledge that I hear mine and my music is not wrong. and maybe it is not to late to learn to dance in the rain and swirl my skirts and spin…………………

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