What a roller coaster!

As it often happens to me when I’m down I get sick.  A physical manifestation of the unrest in my mind becomes illness.  I called in sick today and spent the day sleeping and trying to re-balance myself.   And pack for my long awaited cruise vacation that now may have both of us going. Or not. Not sure how to read MH at this point and want to somehow just rewind the clock and calendar and get back to when we were a happy, dorky, middle-aged couple giggling and swinging hands and laughing all the time.  Not sure if this means we are becoming deeper and closer but I hate feeling unsure about what to say to him or how to help him feel happier.  I know it is not my job to make him happy but seeing him unhappy makes me sad.  He won’t let me in.

The swirl of my daughter and her work woes continue as she is caught between a rock and a hard place.  She knows what she must do but is emotionally connected to her current company and it is making it hard to see clearly.  Selfishly I have enjoyed her calls and reliance on me for help and counsel.  But I also absorb her angst and not sharing with her my stress is like holding back the ocean.  I haven’t shared the stress about MH possibly not going on the cruise with me and so far I haven’t shared with anyone except my long distance friends that have called and caught me upset and sad.  Even while I keep packing!  I’m going on this trip if I have to walk to the boat by myself on my knees.

Late Epiphany

Christmas 2016 is a memory and most of it was good. I certainly was ready for a week of sleeping late and doing nothing.  I excel at that!  

I spent some time on Christmas Eve with my son, daughter and son-in-law.  This is huge because it is the first time in six years that I have had any holiday time with my son.  I am curiously flat about the whole thing and not nearly as excited or grateful or whatever I am expected to feel.  It just is what it is.  Six long years of estrangement and now some baby steps and I suppose I should be doing somersaults but I’m just feeling numb. Flat. Unaffected.  I have waited and waited for him to come around and reopen a dialogue and now I just feel blah.  He is a stranger to me and I don’t know who is talking about, what his plans are or what he is thinking.  It is like meeting someone for the first or second time and I am struggling to find polite topics to discuss and not react to some of the inflammatory things he says.  I am minding my manners and not expressing any real opinion.  He may have a line on a job and I had to not react with excitement or relief that he may have health benefits when the ones from my job run out in June.  Especially since the president elect wants to abolish the Affordable Care Act and replace it with ummmm nothing. He seemed appreciative of the gift I had for him and the card and gift from his grandmother. It was a pleasant afternoon but not the huge emotional payoff I was expecting.

My feelings may be colored by the depression that has been underfoot since my boyfriend dropped the bomb about moving to Hagerstown.  Since then nothing has been good.  We spent New Year’s Eve together and I alternated between rage and tears.  He doesn’t understand either.  I’m not sure whether I am hoping he is stupid or viciously calculating.  At any rate the decision is made, the offer accepted and in a month or so he will move.  Out of my life is what I’m afraid of.  That this move is a precursor to ending the relationship.  Or certainly the beginning of the long slow death by degrees. I just can’t find the positive side for us.  This is a decision made by him, for him and without any consideration of me or the ‘us’ I thought was important. Obviously I was mistaken.

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And so this afternoon I had the epiphany of why I am so sad and depressed.  I am returning to the world of  Two Pattis.  The Private Patti; filled with pain and disappointment and sadness and the Public Patti; smiling, pretending everything is fine.   I felt that today, when I left him-he got a weekend with Private Patti-scared, feeling abandoned, unheard and terrified of losing him.  And in a few days we leave on a cruise that I was so damn excited about a month ago that now feels like a chore.  Public Patti will be front and center………….the happy, party girl; charming and social, making friends and telling stories while Private Patti seethes with the knowledge that her boyfriend is moving away from her.  Both geographically and emotionally.  And he doesn’t understand.

Have yourself a miserable little Christmas now………

I have had bad Christmases and I’ll probably have more in my future-given my track record but the worst Christmas is always the one you are trying to get through.  So this is a bad one.  

All was merry and bright and I was blithely counting down to Christmas and a January cruise with my boyfriend when he announced that he had found his dream house and was moving 30-45 minutes further away from me.  Which would put the distance at over an hour and several culture bands away.  Then he has the nerve to ask me how I was feeling and to tell him what was on my heart.  SERIOUSLY?????  This was after a day of shopping for the cruise-clothes for him- and spending yet another weekend at his place because he didn’t want to come to mine.  Too far, too inconvenient, too much time away from the bird. I’m too tired, too busy, too too too.  I’ve been doing the heavy lifting the last few months (of course) trying to come up more and be supportive of the home search but he played me for a fool.  He never really even tried to look for a place in his current city or closer to me so he could have the easier commute in reverse traffic.  Nope he played me like the love drunk fool I am.  He had no intention of staying close.  And move in someday-hah that was joke.  He effectively shut down that possibility by buying  house that would take me over 90 minutes to get to work.  So much for mid-week dates. Or mid-week anything.

Of course he is making all sorts of noises about driving to see me and how it will change things but isn’t the end of our relationship etc but I know how it goes……one of us is too busy, the car doesn’t have gas, I have to work blah blah blah and suddenly it will be once in a while and slowly over time he will ghost me.

Happy Christmas and Happy Cruising…….nice to know that in 25 days I will be stuck in a cabin with a man I thought loved me only to find out he loves a garage more than me. Much more…………..  He has been a fine one for telling me I’m worth it.  And to be honest about how I feel.  Great I feel fucking devastated and hurt and stupid and betrayed and foolish.  I thought we were moving in one direction and he was obviously moving in the opposite direction.  Shame on me.

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Objectively, I can say it is a nice garage.  But will it keep him warm and say nice things to him? Love him and care about him?  Take care of him and worry about him?  But I know I am easily replaced…..in fact he is probably shopping around for a local gal to take my place.  The hits keep coming.

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Apparently my worth to him is a double garage with a workbench.

A Week Later and I’m still in shock

It has been a week since the 2016 election results were tabulated and I’m still in shock that the next president of the United States of America will be a man.  And not just any man; a misogynistic, racist, uncouth, uninformed bigot.  I can’t even write his name.  But one thing is for sure.  I am no longer going to be quiet.

I sent in a donation to Planned Parenthood this afternoon and made it in honor of the anti-woman, anti-choice, vice president elect.  

I am embarrassed to be an American this week. 

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Autumn Blahs

My boyfriend and I took a break from each other this weekend.   It has been weird being home alone all weekend and aside from cleaning chores and laundry I feel a bit rootless. But I got stupid things done like clearing out my closet a bit, neatening my dresser drawers, flipping the mattress and putting clean sheets on the bed.  I even swept the deck, vacuumed and cleaned the bathrooms!  I  treated myself to a pedicure and manicure both long overdue!
 
He is out looking at more houses, unfortunately further afield to see if he can find a perfect house for a perfect price in a perfect location.  Today he is out more than an hour from where I live and I can’t help but feel anxious.  How can I explain to him that being further from me scares the bejeesus out of me.  What is it with men and garages?
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But weren’t we cute last weekend dressed up medieval and attending Chalice of the Sun in Leesburg???  He is so dashing!