A Week Later and I’m still in shock

It has been a week since the 2016 election results were tabulated and I’m still in shock that the next president of the United States of America will be a man.  And not just any man; a misogynistic, racist, uncouth, uninformed bigot.  I can’t even write his name.  But one thing is for sure.  I am no longer going to be quiet.

I sent in a donation to Planned Parenthood this afternoon and made it in honor of the anti-woman, anti-choice, vice president elect.  

I am embarrassed to be an American this week. 

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Autumn Blahs

My boyfriend and I took a break from each other this weekend.   It has been weird being home alone all weekend and aside from cleaning chores and laundry I feel a bit rootless. But I got stupid things done like clearing out my closet a bit, neatening my dresser drawers, flipping the mattress and putting clean sheets on the bed.  I even swept the deck, vacuumed and cleaned the bathrooms!  I  treated myself to a pedicure and manicure both long overdue!
 
He is out looking at more houses, unfortunately further afield to see if he can find a perfect house for a perfect price in a perfect location.  Today he is out more than an hour from where I live and I can’t help but feel anxious.  How can I explain to him that being further from me scares the bejeesus out of me.  What is it with men and garages?
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But weren’t we cute last weekend dressed up medieval and attending Chalice of the Sun in Leesburg???  He is so dashing!

Autumn Sighs

I had dinner with my children last night.  We met at California Pizza Kitchen not far from where I live.    I was the first to arrive followed by my daughter rushing in from work and then several minutes later (when I thought he might not show up) my son.  My son, the stranger.  It has been about a year since I last saw him in person.  There was tension but not as much as last year, when I had essentially forced him to have dinner with me if he wanted continued healthcare coverage.  I wasn’t proud of using that as a stick but it was the only thing I had.  At the time, dinner (which I paid for of course!) was all I expected and the intervening year of continued silence demonstrated  it was all I was going to get.  I kept up the greeting cards and occasional odd message or text but nothing in return.

This year the mood was a bit lighter and the conversation a bit less uncomfortable.  For me anyway.  They hadn’t seen each other since he has returned from his cross-country adventure/drive with a buddy and her trip to the west coast in August.  So that was the topic of choice.  I sat and stared at him looking for a glimmer of recognition of the boy I had raised and the young man that I had lost.  When had he started to lose his hair?  Why is wearing a full beard that is long and fluffy and makes him look like a vagrant?  When did he start wearing a watch?  When did he become a drinker of whisky? When did he become an experienced drinker of shots and beers and wild nights? When did he become a foodie? How did he learn to use Uber and AirBB and charm grandmothers into sleeping in their home?   I saw he was still wearing my father’s cross and that gave me a bit of peace and I watched his hands as he talked and marveled at  how much they were not yet man hands but still boyish.  He looked trimmer but under several layers of jackets I wasn’t sure.  He has his father’s nose and mouth and so many similar gestures that I felt twin pangs of loss.  Both of them gone from my life.

He  regaled us  with stories that were both amusing and terrifying.  He is not my little boy anymore and that is a fact.  This young man is a stranger to me.  And I think that is what he wants.  There is no talk of a job and the reminder that the healthcare will end after his next birthday seemed to make no impact.  How does he spend his days?  Why isn’t he working? or going back to school?  Why isn’t he moving on? Why is he so stuck?

He sees no need for a mother and I have nothing to offer him besides my love and concern.  Will last night be the last time I see him?  I fear so.

Amazing Corn Maze Time

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Yes, that is me beaming with happiness at a corn maze-an autumn tradition in the making.  We spent the day looking at houses for him {not any further away is my fervent hope} and then on to the corn maze at Summers Farm in Frederick, MD.  

We are like little kids when we arrive bursting with excitement to do everything before it gets too dark and then to find a good spot to see the fireworks.   We slid down the slides with such wild abandon that another woman who had watched her grandchildren slide several times finally climbed up and took a turn!  We get old because we stop playing not the other way around!  

We are both hopeless at the maze since the clues are related to the design-last year Taylor Swift trivia-fail and this year Baltimore Orioles trivia.  I am probably the only gal there with a guy that has no interest in sports.  I knew more answers!  Of course there are cheat sheet answers but the font is too tiny for us to read…….okay GPS was used to get out but only because the fireworks were going to start!

I love watching fireworks and leaning back into MH for cuddles; together with the full moon; I felt a bit of contentment that had been so elusive these last few weeks.

Breathe and just be in the moment.  I did try and then a random thought popped into my monkey brain head-instead of a funeral I want fireworks. I wonder if I can have my ashes launched and burst into an array of shooting stars and starbursts? Mmmmm!!!!fireworks-clip-art-2   

Tired Old Cow

cow1I am working in the far reaches of the pasture.  Turned out like an old cow. Or so it feels.  My work life is not good this year and my dissatisfaction is spilling over into the other areas of my life that are also kinda crappy right now.  

Overwhelmed is my new normal.  The slightly queasy feeling of insecurity and doubt seems to be permanently setting up housekeeping in my gut.   And the stone of dread keeps rising up in my throat.  I have no control over my emotions and feel like I have been flayed open.  And salt keeps being poured onto me.  No glimmer of hope ahead.  This will be a very long year.

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